I WANNA GET BETTER

Yo I’m gonna talk about some pretty deep stuff. I’m just warning you now... but this has been on my mind for awhile now… and I mean awhile. 

I’ve had anxiety my entire life. And I don’t mean I get a little stressed here and there, but I’m constantly feeling like my chest is going to explode with stress and also that I'm at the end of a cliff looking down hundreds of feet. I’ve never been clinically diagnosed with anxiety, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Since I was a kid, I would always be a back seat driver, telling my mom that there was a car up ahead, or that the stop light was about to turn red. I’ve never gotten over this by the way, and I apologize in advance. Panic attacks rule my world, they come out of no where, I can’t breathe or think, I just want to curl up into a ball in my safe spot and hide away from everyone. Basically, anxiety sucks. It feels like you’re stuck in a box filling with water, and you can't get out. 

I’m fourteen and I can still barely text my horseback riding trainer, people I work for, or even my own family members. I absolutely can’t talk to anyone on the phone unless it’s my mom, dad, or best friend, Ashtyn.  People would (and still will) always call me ridiculous or a child, for not being able to talk to someone on the phone. It petrifies me. I know it sounds like a silly fear, but it makes me feel makes me want to freaking vomit. My breathing quickens, and my chest hurts. I can also barely order food. It takes everything in my power to do so. Overthinking everything is my specialty, people tell me that I’m over dramatic. 

I’m tired of this stupid thing my brain does to me. I'm just really tired.

I’m trying really hard to be less scared. Less worried about what other people will think. If you know me personally, you would know that once I get to know you, I’m a pretty crazy, weird (as I’m told a lot and I understand I am but it’s a lot better than being a boring person who isn’t remotely funny at all) extraverted person. But, if I don’t know you, please don’t call me a pessimist, or call me out for never talking, or please excuse my french, call me a bitch. (Yes, that has actually happened), and also, please don’t pick on me last in class just because I “don’t try as hard in games”. I try as hard as I can and I’m sorry that I didn’t get your dang team a point so you can get a freaking bag of tropical skittles. It’s not cool, and it actually makes me feel really bad about myself, but, it shouldn’t.

Another thing, please, please, please never tell anyone who has anxiety or any other mental health issue things like, “Just relax!” or, “It’s all in your head.” or, “Stop being so dramatic.” Those few words can make make someone 10% more stressed out, make them feel even worse than they already feel, and plainly just want to rip their hair out because you're so arrogant. 

In all, I honestly don’t know what this blog post is about, but I just wanted to rant. So take this internet. Now to anyone reading this, it took a lot for me to write these personal things down in a public blog post so please be a kind fellow and don’t bring it up to me or I may become so embarrassed I’ll die.

Here's a good representation about how anxiety feels for all of my visual readers.

Photo Courtesy: The Mighty